HHS Staff Meeting on the Future of American Health (Post-Funding Era)

Written by Ritisha Chakrabarty from The Harker School, California, USA

Department of Health and Human Services

Office Meeting Minutes (recorded by a buxom blonde woman with no qualifications): 

HHS Staff Meeting on the Future of American Health (Post-Funding Era)

Date: October 10, 2025

Location: Department of Health and Human Services, Washington, D.C.

Moderator: Matt Buckham, Acting Chief of Staff of the HHS

Present:  

Matt Buckham: 

• Currently: Acting Chief of Staff of the U.S. Department of Health and Human Services 

• Previously: Information currently unavailable

  
  

Robert F. Kennedy Jr.: 

• Currently: Acting Secretary of the U.S. Department of Health and Human Services, Conspiracy theorist, Anti-vaccine activist

• Previously: Environmental lawyer

  
  

Stefanie Spear: 

• Currently: Senior Counselor to Robert F. Kennedy Jr.

• Previously: Environmental activist, Founder of the nation’s leading environmental newspaper: EcoWatch

  
  

Jim O’Neill: 

• Currently: Deputy Secretary of the U.S. Department of Health and Human Services

• Previously: Investor for the HHS, Venture Capitalist

  
  

Robert W. Malone: 

• Currently: Board Member of the Advisory Committee on Immunization Practices (CDC)

• Previously: Biochemist, Spreader of misinformation regarding the COVID vaccine                    

Retsef Levi: 

• Currently: Board Member of the Advisory Committee on Immunization Practices (ACIP)(CDC), sceptic of COVID vaccines

• Previously: Professor at MIT Sloan (school of business), Expert analyst and risk manager

Vicky Pebsworth: 

• Currently: Board Member of the Advisory Committee on Immunization Practices (ACIP)(CDC), Board member of National Association of Catholic Nurses, Promoter of conspiracy theory of vaccine-caused autism

• Previously: ICU nurse, Researcher on public health policy, health policy analyst

  
  

Theme: “Innovation Over Information: The MAHA Vision”

Buckham:

Good morning, colleagues, content creators, and verified truth-tellers. Welcome to the first department-wide meeting under the new Secretary of Health and Human Services, Robert F. Kennedy Jr. It’s a historic day. For the first time, HHS leadership reflects the full diversity of opinions found in a Facebook comment section.

(scattered applause)

Today, we’ll discuss the rollout of the MAHA initiative: Make America Healthy Again, which emphasizes personal freedom, chronic illness, and viral engagement over the outdated “global health” model.

1. Introduction of the New Secretary

Buckham:

Secretary Kennedy, thank you for joining us, and congratulations on your recent… neurological news.

RFK Jr:

Thank you, Matt. Yes, it’s true. Doctors found a dead worm in my brain, but that’s only made me more passionate about parasite awareness and government transparency. I come from a long line of public servants: my uncle John F. Kennedy, the 35th president of the US, my father Robert F. Kennedy, the US Attorney General during JFK’s presidency and a New York senator; and lastly, deep exhale my uncle Ted Kennedy, a Massachusetts senator. Uncle Ted’s life’s work was dedicated to establishing secure healthcare for the underprivileged, disabled, and different, which are all things that I personally promise you we will no longer promote. This ain’t no socialist country, folks! In addition, I’ve founded (with little experience, but a lot of passion) two nonprofits: one advocating for environmental health and another for children’s health and vaccine prevention. As Secretary, I’ve taken bold steps. I’ve fired 17 vaccine advisory board members and replaced them with fresh thinkers:

• Dr. Robert Malone, the pioneer of herd immunity and herd confusion.

  
  

• Professor Retsef Levi from MIT’s business school, because public health in America is, after all, a business.

  
  

• And nurse Vicky Pebsworth, influencer and spokesperson for the campaign “Needles? No Thanks.” 

  
  

I would know a thing or two about needles…40+ years clean and going! Our goal is to bring balance to the narrative, because science has had the mic for too long. Back over to you now, Big Buckham. 

(Colleagues around the table holler and Big Buckham looks pleased as he sits down.)

2. The Funding Reallocation Agenda

Buckham:

As part of MAHA, the administration has redirected funding away from outdated causes, like DEI programs, HIV/AIDS prevention and treatment, and COVID-19 management, in order to focus on emerging chronic conditions, including “general tiredness” and “vague inflammation.”

Jim O’Neil:

Exactly. The NIH and USAID were bloated and inefficient. Now, those funds have been “strategically paused.” Yes, that means HIV clinics in Africa have closed overnight. Yes, millions could die. But we’re pivoting to innovation: self-care, wellness apps, and AI-driven symptom journaling.

Spear:

Besides, global pandemics don’t trend like they used to. COVID’s old news. AIDS peaked in the ’80s. We need a new shiny disease, which leads nicely into our next topic.

3. Social Media Strategy and “The Next Big Outbreak”

Spear (PowerPoint slide: “Pandemics as Content”):

All right, everyone, I’m thrilled to present our new public engagement strategy, the #NextBigOutbreak Campaign. We ran the numbers: Americans engage 60% more with outbreak content than with actual outbreak prevention. So we’re meeting people where they are in the algorithm.

So here’s the plan:

1. Phase One: “Cough for Clout”

Influencers will post choreographed coughing videos to Beegee’s “Stayin’ Alive.”

Viewers will be asked to guess the symptom in the comments:

• “Is it bronchitis or a brand deal?”

• “Is that fever or a filter?”

• “Is this an immune response or a cry for engagement?”

2. The winner gets a free MAHA-branded pulse oximeter with Bluetooth and a warning label that says “For Entertainment Use Only.”

3. Phase Two: “The Outbreak Glow-Up” A partnership with beauty influencers with the tagline: “Contagious, but make it chic.” They’ll post “Pandemic Get Ready With Me” videos:

• Applying bronzer while discussing herd immunity.

• Trying out “quarantine-core” fashion — think hospital gown couture.

• Sponsored content from N95-inspired luxury brands: “Breathless, by Balenciaga.”

4. Phase Three: “The Challenge” 

The viral anchor of the campaign: #NextBigOutbreakChallenge. Users will simulate sneezing in rhythm to a remixed track called “Patient Zero (Club Edit)” by DJ Pfizer. The choreography tells a story which starts with denial, builds to fever, and ends in a government apology video.

(All members present at the meeting applaud.)

If anyone has any comments, suggestions, or questions, feel free to take them through that door *points to the exit.* Thank you so much for your time! Over to you, Secretary Kennedy. 

RFK Jr:

Brilliant. Thank you, Counselor. I think you’ll all agree that we are moving in the right direction. But the initiatives you’ve heard from Spear are not the end of our list! I’ve also suggested we pilot a Herd Immunity Dance Challenge: the choreography mimics a sneeze.

Spear:

And we’re flying influencers to abandoned HIV warehouses in sub-Saharan Africa to livestream themselves “discovering” leftover medicine. It’s like unboxing, but with moral weight.

O’Neil:

Don’t forget, we need to slowly wean money away from HIV/AIDS research. How about a partnership with cereal brands? Instead of hidden toys, there will be hidden condoms like Pokémon cards: Catch ’Em All, But Not Really™.

(All members present at the meeting applaud again.)

4. The Fall of Public Health Funding

Buckham:

Now, onto logistics. As you know, the CDC’s $11 billion COVID relief budget will be rolled back because the White House declared the pandemic “no longer trending.”  And that’s just a part of what we’re going to take from the CDC, because who in their right mind would actually value proven, fact-based research? Am I right? 

(People around the table laugh.)

O’Neil:

Not to mention, that’s freed us up a bit to focus on chronic domestic illnesses, the slow-burn kind that never go viral but should.

RFK Jr:

And with HIV funding cut, we’ve saved billions. True, clinics across Africa and Asia have shut down, testing has dropped, and medication is stranded in warehouses, but since when did it become the responsibility of the United States of America to doctor third-world countries? No more tests means no more cases, for us and the other nations which have been leeching off of us for years. 

Spear:

Exactly. “No Tests, No Cases, No Problems” can be our new slogan. Simple. Shareable. Scientifically questionable.

Buckham:

Some have raised concerns that these cuts could lead to outbreaks that reach the US again. But that’s exactly the point: we believe in bringing jobs and viruses back home. 

(Patriotic music plays faintly and the distant sound of an eagle can be heard.)

5. Vaccine Policy Reform

RFK Jr:

Our new Vaccine Advisory Panel will modernize the process by asking the hard questions like “Do vaccines really need needles?” and “What if autism is just your brain becoming too aware?” While we are on the topic, let me reiterate our beautiful, handsome, brave, and loving leader’s words: “Don’t take Tylenol, don’t take it… fight like hell not to take it” because it will cause autism in your children. Reverting back to our vaccine policy reform, I’ve also launched an internal review into the childhood vaccine schedule. Some at CDC disagree, but disagreement is healthy. It’s like inflammation: a sign the system’s alive.

Buckham:

Understood, sir.

Spear:

We’ll handle the messaging. Our TikTok will frame it as a “brave conversation.” “Swipe left if you believe in measles.”

Buckham:

That’s a lovely way to put it. I’ll pass it on to Mr. O’Neil regarding foreign affairs and diplomacy.

6. Foreign Affairs and “Diplomacy 2.0”

O’Neil:

With USAID gutted, traditional health diplomacy is obsolete. Instead, we’ll use influencer diplomacy. It’s cheaper, faster, and more photogenic.

Spear:

We’ve partnered with major lifestyle accounts to post about “wellness without borders.” It’s mostly yoga poses next to shuttered clinics. We’re even considering a phase within our own borders where these yoga gurus make use of vacant Planned Parenthood facilities. 

Buckham:

Excellent. The Trump administration has made clear that global cooperation is overrated. America first, even in contagion. We will have the best diseases. And we will have most of them! 

7. At the meeting’s closing:

RFK Jr:

Today marks a new chapter, gang. For too long, HHS has been bogged down by data, compassion, and international collaboration. We’re turning the page toward independence, engagement, and optional healthcare.

Buckham:

Beautiful. Meeting adjourned. Please remember to post your reflections using the hashtag #MAHAGlowUp.

(Everyone stands as the Pledge of Immunity plays softly in the background.)

“We the people, in order to form a more clickable union…”

Postscript:

Following adjournment, the department’s press release was posted to Instagram with the caption:

“HHS 2.0 — Because health is just politics with better lighting.”