Self Immolation

Written by Dolores Di from Texas, USA

A bright light illuminated the boy's face.  

“What is your name?” A soft female voice inquired.  

“My name is Phoenix.”  

“Is that your actual name?”  

“My actual name is Tom, but I prefer Phoenix.”  

In a poorly lit interrogation room, a young man, whose innocence had not yet faded away with the binding of his hands by handcuffs, calmly asked the police for a cigarette. He took the cigarette and lighter from the police and skilfully lit it

“Alright, Phoenix, I appreciate your name. I am here to assist you, okay? Can you tell me how your mother passed away? Listen, my dear child, I am aware of the misfortunes of your childhood. I empathize with you, but I need to uncover the truth. I assure you that once you reveal the truth, you will have the opportunity to live the rest of your life in happiness and freedom, without facing punishment.”  

The boy held the cigarette tightly in his hand and wrestled with his emotions for an extended period.  

“Really?”  

“I promise.”  

“Well, the tale is lengthy. Everything was fine and normal until my parents divorced. After that, my mother seemed to transform into a different person. When I was seven, I made a promise to my friend to attend his birthday celebration. I was thrilled and eagerly informed my mother. However, she took me to my friend's house and yelled at his parents, insisting they prevent their child with poor grades from associating with me, claiming it would negatively influence me. Since that day, no one has wanted to play with me.

“At fourteen, I got into a fight with my classmates because they said I hadn’t weaned yet. All of this! It is all due to my mother’s control over my life. She dictated what clothes I wore, what food I ate, and even who my friends were! She constantly surveils me! She never considered my feelings, never!”  

The boy appeared to be losing control over his emotions. He abruptly stood up, his veins bulging before he struck the table with his fists. He breathed heavily, and after a pause of more than ten seconds, he gradually sat back down.  

“Apologies, Sir. May I have another cigarette?”  

He took the cigarette and inhaled deeply.  

“Why did  you kill your mother?”  

“When I was 16 years old, I went to a boarding high school and had a girlfriend. I believed that living away from home would grant me a sense of freedom from my mother's control; however, she somehow discovered my situation. I later found out that she had bribed one of my classmates to monitor my life. Why couldn’t she let me live my life comfortably? She rushed to my school. In a fit of anger, she came in and scolded me in front of my peers. I couldn’t bear it.

“And then you killed her for it?”

“No! Afterwards, I ran home and wanted to commit suicide by cutting my wrists; I couldn't bear such a repressed life anymore. Who knows how I got through the past ten years? I really just couldn’t take it anymore!” He looked at his interrogator. “I challenge you to be able to!”

His face turned red as he roared at her.

“Oh my god, poor boy. I understand your situation and feelings. It must be embarrassing to be scolded by your mother in front of so many people. It's okay, my child. Everything is over now. You have a bright future ahead.”

As she spoke, she cleaned the saliva from her clothes that had been splashed on them by the boy. She used a handkerchief, and when she was done, she threw it into the trash can next to her feet. The boy didn't notice all of this because he was still lost in his emotions. Her statement had been very effective and comforting to the boy.

“You're right! It's all over now.”

His face was filled with hope for the future. He continued speaking.

“When my mother got back home, she looked at me holding a knife and rushed up to slap me. The force of her slap left me in shock, and I could only gaze at her in disbelief. Her emotions became extremely abnormal. She cried and hit me, expressing the hardships she had endured while raising me. She pleaded with me - said she had spent so much time every day trying to ensure my well-being, but I was so disobedient and troublesome. I listened in silence as her words pierced my heart like sharp, poisoned arrows, tearing it apart and crushing it fiercely. How ridiculous! Why couldn’t she open her eyes and see what she had done to her son? Where was she when I had no friends? Where was she when I was bullied at school? She was never there when I needed her! She always thinks that everything she does is for my good! Why is it that others have a happy childhood and love from their parents, while I have to face this terrible life and crazy woman every day!”

“And then you killed your mom?”

“I grasped the knife and plunged it into her with intensity. I wanted her to taste the pain I had suffered for so many years, but she died soon after. What a pity! When she fell, her eyes widened in disbelief as she looked at me, unable to comprehend reality. She still thought I was the good son, one who would not resist and could be easily manipulated.”

“What about those bullies at school?”

The woman leaned forward and stared straight at the boy.

“You mean those uncultured bugs? I killed them. Do you know how despicable their faces are at school and how funny they are before they die? They crawled at the feet of those they once scorned, pleading for their lives, offering money and promising to do anything for me in the future. But how could I possibly let them go? Before starting a new life, everything about the old one needed to be cut off!”

The boy erupted to laugh heartily, his face gradually becoming twisted. The laughter seemed to be able to lift off the roof, and he began to tremble, unsure whether it was due to the relief of revenge or excitement for the future. After a moment, he ceased laughing and turned his attention to the woman.

“I told you the truth about everything; will you fulfill your promise now?”

The woman directed the police officer next to her to press the recording pen, and her face was no longer gentle. It was replaced with something rather indifferent.

“What promise? I don't remember making a promise.”

“What? That's what you said at the beginning!”

The woman no longer paid attention to the boy's shouting, got up, tidied up her clothes, patted the police officer beside her, and said, "The matters that follow are no longer my concern. You know your responsibilities." 

The boy realized that it was all a lie to him. He attempted to pursue the woman, but couldn't move his legs; he wanted to question her, yet when he tried to open his mouth, his throat felt blocked; he couldn't make a sound. His vision began to fade. Soon, he was taken away by the police. He knew he was about to die, and the prospect of a bright future had vanished.

However, does the death of a “Phoenix” really mean that true death? It carries all the unhappiness and hatred accumulated in the human world, immersing itself in flames to self-immolate. Its body undergoes tremendous pain before it can be reborn with a better, healthier body. 

The death of a “Phoenix” also signifies the beginning of a new life.