Dear United States

Written by Y. W. from Canada

Thank you for your recent application to upgrade Canada from a sovereign nation to the “51st State.” We reviewed your proposal, that is, public threats, tantrum-filled tweets and musings about tearing up century-old treaties. 

We must regretfully decline. Our universal healthcare has a compelling pull compared to a system that treats illness as an opportunity for profit. 

We’d like to clarify that the 1908 treaty is a map, not a sketch. We don’t revisit colonisation every time a new president feels nostalgic for Manifest Destiny. And, the Five Eyes agreement isn’t a Love Island reality show we can be voted off of. It’s built on trust, intelligence, and mutual respect, none of which comes with a price tag.  

We will continue to defend the right to govern ourselves if we so desire. It suits Canada far better to be a part of the United Kingdom than to be hegemonized by the Un-United States of America. 

To be clear: you already have enough guns, so you don’t need ours. What you lack is the integrity to honor alliances, borders, and agreements, especially when they aren’t “American.” We are not willing to denigrate our integrity in order to boost yours. 

Thank you for your consideration. We wish you well in managing your own internal fascist challenges. 

With sincerity and a hint of maple syrup,

Canada