Boeing Hopes to Cut Safety Features by an Additional 50% by 2025

Written by Albert Wang from Washington, USA

The Washington Hoax

Opinions For a Price

Published: November 11, 2024

Controversy stirred last week when Boeing announced that  it would be cutting an additional 50% of the safety features on its aircraft. This is potentially concerning news for millions of American flyers, with Boeing planes making up around half of the commercial planes that fly in and out of the US. 

The statement came in light of several accidents, including one case of where an entire wing broke off a plane in mid-flight. 

The statement has sent turbulence through the air, most notably within the Federal Aviation Administration, with one representative even comparing Boeing's flagship aircraft, the 737, to a “soggy Pringles can with wings”.

Another representative called the plane: “A miracle of aviation for being able to take off at all.” 

Boeing has made their own statements in response. 

“We maintain that the cuts on safety features will not have any effect on the safety of the aircraft.” Kelly Abortberg said in an interview today. “This is being blown (up) way out of proportion.”

When accused of disregarding the needs of their customers, Mr. Abortberg claimed the Boeing team had ‘run the numbers’. He confirmed how their “...team checked the stats, and found that “only 2 percent of our 737s would experience catastrophic technical failures and explode during flight. That's an amount we can live with. It proves that the majority of our customers will not feel any difference in quality.” 

Abortberg also expressed confusion over the negative response to the Boeing announcement. He reminded listeners that “Cutting quality assurance from our factory assembly lines limits the amount of manufactured parts we throw away. Our analysts say that's good for the environment. I think you can see that the benefits outweigh the cut-costs, people.” 

He added, “I think what often gets forgotten in conversations such as these is the hardworking American companies that need to do what we need to do to make ends meet. I understand that there may be concerns, but can’t you understand that cost-cutting would allow us to take more of the market share? Perhaps even push out foreign corporations? The success of The Company™ should be an American’s number 1 priority in a global market economy built on competition!” He also asserted that “Increased profit margins will lead to a superior flight experience, one that 98 percent of our esteemed flyers will feel! And the other 2% will be glad to know that their ticket price was made cheaper by their sacrifice.”

Still, dissidence in the conference raged, as wary pilots and angry critics alike questioned the validity of his statements after numerous reports by the FAA investigation audit found several regulations being broken. Others pointed to a recent incident in which a whole door plug broke off mid-flight. Abortberg claimed that the latter had been the result of a “Minor misplacement of paperwork” that led to the door plug being unscrewed, yet after substantial backlash and a surely unrelated drop in their stock value, Boeing did agree that perhaps some further actions could be taken. 

“To ensure absolute confidence in the safety of our aircraft, I will personally ensure that all departments will complete a comprehensive review of the quality of our planes.” This reply from Abortberg followed one particularly disgruntled pilot's query if he was a “pilot or a priest, because only prayer would get this thing [Boeing 737] to fly.”

Alaska Airlines, the owner of the previously mentioned Boeing plane, offered their own suggestions. “Maybe Boeing could add a few extra doors to their 747s for mid-flight accidents? They could be placed in the carry-on compartments!” showcasing once again Boeing's deep collaboration with the airlines and their forward-thinking spirit.”

Opinion: We here at the Washington Hoax fly with you, Mr. Abortberg. The toil of American business on our nation's GDP far outweighs the sacrifices of a few safety procedures. In fact, we argue that many of the criticisms of Boeing's new safety features, such as the lack thereof, are actually positives! A plane with no more landing gears or doors will have less weight, and thus reach its destination quicker with less fuel usage! Even so, it seems America is not yet ready for Abortberg’s groundbreaking new methods. Yet as tragic as that may be, our hearts are with you, Mr. Abortberg.

(This piece is not sponsored by Boeing...)